I was doing so well, posting more frequently. I'm not sure what happened over the past week or so, I think time just got away from me. That's something that describes the whole of my life really well--time just got away from me. It's almost April already, y'all. I can't believe it. Last quarter's class passed by in what seems to be the blink of an eye, a week removed from the course--it didn't seem quite like that during lecture sometimes. And seriously, just yesterday, I swear it was Christmas, and the day before that, I was freaking out over the craft show thing I did in November.
Time is such a funny thing. I remember being in school, measuring life in chunks of time that could roughly be classified as school year til Christmas, school year til summer, and summer vacation.
The comment made by one of the men who works in my building--or maybe used to work here, I haven't seen him for awhile--still rings in my mind a lot of the time. So much time spent wishing for the weekend, counting days, minutes, hours until it's time for vacation. He was so right when he said that we were wishing our lives away.
I've tried to be better about that in the days that followed, but I don't know how successful I've been. Maybe moreso than I thought, when I can sit here and wonder where the past three months have gone, wonder how they went so fast.
There's no point to this, really, just...feeling strangely adrift today, and I'm not sure why. Maybe I just need more sleep. :)
One of the really cool things about working the uber-early shift is that I always get to watch the sun rise. Well. Not precisely the sun, my window faces south, so I get to watch as the sky gradually gets brighter, but still, for some reason, I just love that I'm able to see it. It's been completely involuntary, but I've been made into a morning person. This morning it's really strange--this is the first morning for awhile that it's been clear out, and that it's so bright so early is really noticable. Had it been clear for the past week or so, I'm sure I wouldn't have noticed it the way I am today.
Today is my final exam for my government class, and because I am the ultimate procrastinator, I am finishing off some of my reading today. I will not be glad to see the back of this one, particularly for the book on California government that I've been subjected to. The subject matter is dry in the first place, though they try to make it interesting. Most of the problems would be solved by better editing, though--the grammar is atrocious, the sentence structure is horrible, there are a ton of spelling errors, and the type face varies from chapter to chapter--sometimes even from page to page. Add to that the fact that it's very obvious that the book was written by very left-leaning Democrats, and that one of the contributing authors is Latino who is very...angry. I get that it's a locally published book, but still, there has got to be a way to write and publish a decent, non-partisan and non-racially biased textbook on the basics of California government. I wish these people had found it.
I got one of the two books I need for next quarter, it was waiting for me when I got home on Wednesday. I need to call the bookstore and raise hell, since I only got one of them. They wrote on the slip that the other book was a late order, but I have no idea whether that means they intend to ship it to me when I arrive, or whether I'm basically SOL and will have to contend with the bookstore lines when the quarter starts. That would suck.
Today, my mom gets married. She got the beaded flower pins I made for her, and she'll be able to use them both. For some reason, that makes me happy--I can't be there, but I'll be thinking of her, and she'll be wearing something I made for her when they finally make it all official. I can't explain it, it just...makes me happy.
I know I wrote something in the recent past about feeling the need to get in touch with family, but I don't remember when that was, or whether it was here or in Livejournal. In the end, that part doesn't matter all that much, I suppose. I've started trading emails with my stepdad, though--more than just the occasional 'Merry Christmas' we've tentatively started sharing over the past year and a half or so, and...it's a good thing. I don't know how far it will go, or whether anything else will come of it, but even just this much provides me some sense of...balance or stability, somehow. That may be a subject for more writing at a later date, we'll see. For now, though, it's just another good thing.
Have you ever done something, or perhaps *not* done something you should have, as a manager, a boss, a game administrator, a friend, a loved one... Have you ever not done something you should've done because you felt that you didn't have enough information, or that you felt that you couldn't, or that precedent had you taking the path of least resistance, or even (or maybe especially) because you dislike confrontation?
And has that decision, especially that one to *not* do something, turned out to be the wrong one later? Months later, years later, it doesn't matter, because now, that decision you made not to act...now, it's causing problems for other people--people you care about, people you love, people whose friendships you value.
How do you apologize to all of those people for not doing something you should have? How do you deal with the overpowering sense of regret that it makes you feel? That paralyzing 'I could have, *should have* done something' feeling...or, even worse, feeling that all the reasons you gave at the time are now useless--things that are, in the grander scheme, nothing more than flimsy excuses.
Because I *do* regret now what I didn't do then. I hate that I backed down, that I gave up my opportunity to do something because it was easier for me. I hate that it's now up to someone else to do something that I should have.
Oh yes, I regret.
I bought my books for spring quarter today, and I am absolutely baffled. I'm actually getting off relatively inexpensively: two classes, two books, $84--including shipping. This is a far cry from last quarter, where I paid almost $250 for two classes, five books...some of which I didn't even get to use due to the fiasco that was my early American history class.
I'm approaching this quarter with a grim sort of determination, mostly because of the English writing class. I really need to just get it done (snerk, I have watched too much Blue Collar Comedy, because now all I can hear is 'git-r-done'), I've tried it at least three times, that I can remember, and it may be more than that, for all I really know.
I keep hoping that I'll win the lottery one of these days, so that I can go back to school full time. It would be nice to be able to do that, to be able to pursue my educational goals without having to worry about such pesky things as continuing to make a living and paying bills.
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My mom's getting married on Friday in Texas--her fiance's dad is also getting married this weekend (Saturday), and he's going to be the one to perform the ceremony for Mom and Spouse-To-Be, so I guess it's sort of a kill two birds with one stone situation. I think they're also trying to make sure he doesn't have to travel this summer, when they will be having the big party up in Seattle.
I'm really excited for them, they've been together for more than 9 years now, and after a bit of a rocky start, I get along fabulously well with him. Not that my getting along well with him is really the primary criteria, but I'm sure it helps my mom that there's harmony in the family.
So...yeah. Excited. Bummed that I couldn't go to Texas to be there for the actual event, but the party in July will be teh awesome. :)
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Today's snicker-worthy advertisement from my calendar:
ON SALE: Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Today is the last day of instruction for my American Government and Politics class. Originally, the professor tried to see if he could have us take the final exam today, but the administration wouldn't let him. I have to confess, I'm happy that it didn't happen--the thought that we would have had to cram four chapters (the executive branch, the bureaucracy, the judiciary, public policy) and an entire book (though small) on California government in two class days was rather daunting. As it is, we have to get through the judiciary, public policy, and California government today. We'll see how well that works. Something tells me that public policy may fall by the wayside.
I'm not sure how I've done in the class, exactly...well. That's not entirely true, I can gauge some measure of performance based on my test scores. My first test, which I was positive I had completely bombed, turned out to be the highest score in class. I'm sure my classmates just love it when one or two of us completely blow the curve. The second test, while I did quite well on the short answer questions, the multiple choice...not so much. It didn't help that I was in Tucson for part of it, so I missed two days of lecture. I did well on the short answer questions for the third test, too, and I'll see today how well I did on the multiple choice. Somehow, I'll probably wrangle a B out of the class--I can't get any higher, due to the professor's policy on missing classes.
I can see why it's required for graduation from any UC or SU school, but bleah. Though the professor is an interesting speaker, the subject matter is very dry. He also teaches international politics at San Jose State, and something tells me that one would be more interesting. Either way, though, since it's not something I have a lot of interest in, I've really had to work to not only keep attending the class, but to keep up with reading and make sure that I get a passing grade.
Next quarter, I move back to the 8am shift, which will be a welcome change. My classes are still on Tuesday/Thursday evenings, and I'll be getting home somewhere around 11pm those nights, but at least I'll still have plenty of time to sleep. I'm taking yet another stab at English Writing 1A, which I've signed up for god only knows how many times. I'm determined to get through it, though. I'm also taking a World Geography course, which fulfills one of my elective requirements, and should be interesting study--an overview of the world's geography, including culture, religion, region, etc.
Meanwhile, University of Phoenix keeps bugging the hell out of me, wanting me to come back. Don't have all the credits required to start your core program? No problem, we have another arm of our online university that you can go through! It'll still cost you an arm and a leg, but please, take out some more student loans and come join us!
Funny thing is, I don't think I'm going to be going back there at all, which is an epiphany I just came to recently, though it shouldn't have taken so long. I was in UoP's MBA-Management program, but it was only in an effort to get *some* kind of degree, not out of any true desire to actually make that my course of study, not to get a degree that I *wanted*.
So, what's the point of going into a ton of debt for student loans for something I don't want? Better to go do what I really want to do, even if it'll take longer, right? It may mean that I'm a student for the rest of my natural life, since I don't think I'll ever be able to go to school full time. All of that sucks, but...better that than being in debt for something I didn't want in the first place.
SJSU/SCU, here I come. Eventually. :)
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Question of the day for today:
Why are so many of us always so concerned with what other people are doing?
I know most people do this, I know that I'm not exempt. Why is so much of our mental real estate so focused on other people? Things like, "Why is he doing that?" Or, "Why is she wearing that?"
Those are simplistic examples, really, and I know that sometimes the 'what the hell is going on' question is centered on how said other person's behavior affects us personally.
It makes me wonder, though...how often is that used as an excuse? How often do we tell ourselves that we have a right to be outraged, when really, it doesn't matter to us in the long run?
No, I really don't know what brought this on, I really don't. I'm sure it was probably thinking about something work related, but in the end, I have no idea.
Just more food for thought, I guess.
I had a ticket opened for me on Friday of last week by a client who I have been working with since his company first purchased the product, not too long after I first started working here. He was one of the first people to ever send a compliment about me to my boss back then, and was very effusive in his praise that I hadn't immediately fallen back on the 'NT sucks, reboot' crutch, but had tried to troubleshoot the problem instead. (He ended up rebooting, but at least we tried to identify the cause first!)
Anyway, yesterday I talked to him about the ticket he opened on Friday, and need to consult development about it. In the meantime, I told him to try something that I thought would work, given my current experience with the product.
Today, I asked him how it turned out. He sent email back: "Did what you said it would do, as expected as it came from you."
Aw.
One of the things I love most about Napster is the flexibility factor. Between that and the ease of swapping from artist to artist, song to song, and my love of music, is it any wonder I pay the subscription fee to get unlimited monthly downloads?
Occasionally, I'll listen exclusively to one artist, but since I've only got a couple of full albums downloaded, that doesn't happen with any sort of frequency. Most often, I'll do what I'm doing tonight--I'll look over the playlist, pick whatever strikes my fancy at that point in time, and move along to the next once all's said and done.
Tonight, for some reason, I feel compelled to share--not the songs themselves, but a list, with some lyrics, and the reason why it struck my fancy. Don't ask, I don't know, really. Like I said, compelled. I give up understanding. :)
Stays In Mexico - Toby Keith
One more's never enough--
Don't bite off more than you can chew
There's things down here the devil himself wouldn't do
Just remember when you let it all go
What happens down in Mexico
Stays in Mexico
I just love this one. Doesn't hurt that Toby himself is dead sexy, but really, the song itself is just fun. Strange subject to consider fun, perhaps, but the chorus is catchy, and...well, yeah. I just love it.
Dog And Butterfly - Heart
She rode back down to the warm soft ground
Laughing up to the sky, up to the sky
Dog and butterfly
This song is just all about Mom for me. Heart has always been one of her favorites, and this song is probably my absolute favorite of theirs. I hadn't ever really listened to the lyrics before tonight, I just remember this one from when I was a kid, I remember the chorus and the melody. Lots of positive associations.
Where've You Been - Kathy Mattea
Where've you been?
I've looked for you forever and a day.
Where've you been?
I'm just not myself when you're away.
I vaguely recall writing about this song, somewhere on Livejournal. The first time I heard it, I cried for a good long time--it still makes me tear up. Go read the full lyrics for the song, but don't blame me if it makes you sniffly. This one fills my mind with thoughts of Brett, since the first time I heard it was around the time I realized how serious I was about him.
(Just as well he just got home, otherwise I'd probably be tempted to indulge in lengthy amount of time listening to songs that'll make me cry on purpose.)
Naima - Steve Lukather
(Instrumental)
Steve Lukather is the guitarist for Toto, this is off a Windham Hill release called Sounds Of Wood & Steel 2. The man has so much talent, and can make such incredible sounds from a guitar that it is, frankly, amazing.
Caribbean Blue - Neal Schon
(Instrumental)
Not a cover of the Enya song, though he's done instrumental covers of popular songs in the past (ref: album called Voice). Guitarist for Journey, and another one who's immensely talented. Skill to be envied, all that good stuff.
Highway - The Moody Blues
Who sees the world in a grain of sand?
Who holds the future in the palm of their hand?
No one else can see things like I do.
My first favorite band. This song was originally released (to my knowledge) with the Time Traveller box set. As I said, first favorite band, no way to describe how much I love this music. Uplifting song, sad song, intense song, song about sex, whatever, I always feel better after I listen to anything they sing.
Breathe - Melissa Etheridge
Home is a feeling I buried in you--
I'm alright, I'm alright,
It only hurts when I breathe.
Not the first woman I ever had a crush on, but probably the one with the voice I loved the most. I've never seen her live, but I've always wanted to, between the power and intensity she exhibits on an album, I can only imagine what she's like on stage. Such raw emotions.
Sweet Southern Comfort - Buddy Jewell
From Carolina down to Georgia,
Smell the jasmine and magnolia,
Sleepy sweet home Alabama,
Roll tide roll.
What can I say, this one reminds me of home. It's funny, that I consider both North Carolina and Utah to be my home--even though I only ever spent seven years in the south and only ever went back in the summer to visit, even though I don't feel any particular attachment to my family there now that my grandparents are gone...something about it still speaks to me of home, which the post I made a few days ago should probably indicate.
To the Moon and Back - Savage Garden
And now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come
And she'll say to him,
I will fly you to the moon and back
if you'll be
if you'll be my baby.
I can't explain it, but I have MUSH characters that this song really reminds me very strongly of, one current, one former. This was one of the two songs that I really liked from this album, and haven't really paid much attention to them so much since. I feel sort of bad about that, for some reason. But yeah...makes me think about characters, and about their lives, and...makes me more contemplative than I should be, almost.
Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover - Sophie B Hawkins
Damn, I wish I was your lover,
I'd rock you til the daylight comes
Make sure you are smiling and warm.
I saw this one on my library list, and just couldn't *not* play it. It's no secret that Indigo Girls and Clannad make me think of my best friend Matt, but this song does it, too. The ultimate wistful/teasing/just let me dream of it just this once song.
Here With Me - Dido
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me.
The theme song to Roswell, which I got interested in quite a bit after the fact. My interest waned, though--I've seen all of the first season and part of the second, but I've read the scripts for all three seasons, so it's not an urgent need to finish the series. The song, though...another one that reminds me of MUSH characters, especially recently, no matter how much it makes me shake my head or make faces. Alas.
Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
I am everything you want
I am everything you need
I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
I was hooked on this song after hearing it once, and as cliched as it sounds, it was really important to me in my life around then. The lyrics really meant something to me then.
Song and Emotion - Tesla
Broken, humbled by the cold reality
Life at the top ain't always what it seems
Oh, better run for cover
Cause it looks like rain again
You'd best be careful.
Tesla wrote this song about Def Leppard guitarist Steve Clark, after his death, and from all I know about him, it fits so well. Watching old interviews, looking at old pictures, there's always so much pain there, sometimes hidden by a smile, sometimes not. And, being the soppy person that I am, I cried when I heard about his death. I only hope he's happier wherever he ended up. Human beings were not meant to hold so much hurt.
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic - Sting & The Police
Everytime that I come near her
I just lose my nerve as I've done from the start.
Everyone who's seen Moonie's solo, non-Faire show that uses this song is now shaking their head and smiling, seeing the routine in their heads, I'm sure. If you haven't seen it, there's just no way I can describe it, even if I wish I could.
All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You - Heart
We made magic that night
Oh he did everything right.
"That means he gave her lots of orgasms." I don't remember who said that to me, probably my friend Alie, who was also visiting her mom the summer I spent in Seattle. A couple of sixteen year olds singing about orgasms and making love all night, isn't life great? This one always reminds me of that summer, though--of my first kiss...and trouble I almost got into and *did* get into. The first of my two wild summers in a row, even though my 'wild' phase only lasted for a couple of weeks each time.
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And this concludes my playlist for the evening. No, like I said, not really sure why I felt compelled to share, but...enjoy? :)
No big thing to write about today, just a few random comments.
- I saw another snail this morning as I was headed into the office. It amuses me to think it was the same one I saw the other day, even though I know it's probably not.
- Rain makes drivers stupid.
- Also, if I am merging onto the freway, and if I have managed to get my car up to the speed of traffic *before* I have to merge, what's the point in speeding up just to pass me, nearly running me off the road because you can only catch up just as the merge lane ends, then flipping *me* off over it?
- Math makes my brain melt, even with the help of Excel.
- English writing 1A is on tap for next quarter, provided I can get into any of the sections. I'm also looking at a world geography course, and an intra-solar system astronomy course, just for fun.
- Sleep is a good thing. I don't get enough of it.
- And most importantly, today is Friiiiiiday! All hail the most wonderful of days, FRIDAY!
haul the sheet in as we ride on the wind
that our forefathers harnessed before us
hear the bells ring as the tide rigging sings
it's a son of a gun of a chorus
- Son Of A Son Of A Sailor
If there was ever an artist who could make me feel like I lived on the beach without a care in the world while still making me wistfully wish for that very same thing, it's Jimmy Buffett. His music has been an ever-present part of my life, and I've introduced countless people to it, to boot--people I was stunned to find hadn't heard of him before.
Lakes below the mountain
flow into the sea
like oils applied to canvas
they permeate through me
- One Particular Harbour
It's hard to put a label on his music, hard to find a 'class' to put him into. They play his music on KFOX, the local classic rock station. They play his music, especially his more recent stuff, on KRTY and KZBR, the local country stations. They play it on the Caribbean music channels on satellite radio. It's universal appeal, I think--it's about fun, it's about dreams, it's about not taking yourself too seriously, it's about life. Trace Adkins sings a song called 'Songs About Me' which could just as easily be applied to Jimmy's stuff: "They're songs about me, and who I am."
independence day
and all I remember
was a midnight rainbow
that fell from the sky
as I stand on the beach
I slowly surrender
to the child in me
who can't say goodbye
- (That Was) The Night I Painted The Sky
Last night, we watched a 60 Minutes special on CMT all about Jimmy. They showed a couple of clips from concerts at the Shark Tank, where they haul out Air Shark (the radio-controlled, inflated shark that drops 'prize balls' during hockey games) for the song Fins. It took years before I finally got to see him in concert, now I try to make a point of seeing him every time he's here. It's an amazing show, and if you like him at all, I highly recommend it. He'll be here next month--and, of course, we have tickets.
ground, she movin' under me
tidal waves out on the sea
sulphur smoke up in the sky
pretty soon we learn to fly
(In the live version, that last line is usually changed to 'I think some people in this crowd got high.)
- Volcano
The 60 Minutes special was really cool to watch--it talked some about his early career, right up through his latest album, a large portion of which is collaborations with various country artists. Through it all, he remained as down-to-earth as I'd always imagined him, as I knew he was from his concerts. Down-to-earth, and profoundly grateful, amazed that he's been able to lead the life he has. I've been to concerts where the artists treat them like a job, where it seems almost like they've lost the love of their music or of their fans, and it really detracts from the performance. I have never seen this happen at a Buffett concert, and I'm sure I never will.
the weather is here I wish you were beautiful
the skies are too clear, life is easy today
the beer is too cold, the daquiri's too fruitiful
there's no place like home when it's this far away
I need time for to play
- The Weather Is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful
Anyway, it's hard to say which appeals to me more, the ballads (He Went To Paris), the light-hearted (Love And Luck), or the just plain fun (Why Don't We Get Drunk And Screw). I think, in the end, it's everything. Songs about me...even if it's wishful thinking, and I have to put the reality cap back on at the end of the CD or the concert.
he said, "I ate the last mango in Paris
took the last plane out of Saigon
took the first fast boat to China
"and Jimmy, there's still so much to be done."
- Last Mango In Paris
But, lucky me, all I have to do find it again is just listen.