Over the weekend, I went up for a long overdue visit with a new friend, who mentioned that all the people about whom he really wants to read never post anymore.
It goes in cycles for me--sometimes, I just don't feel like writing. I don't have anything to say, and it's happened to me before. Back in September 2002, I said the following:
I think I've figured out, in part, why I don't feel like writing anymore. The easy answer is that I've started to feel somewhat self-conscious: who cares what kind of bland shit happens in my life every day? I wake up, I go to work, I come home, I MUSH, I go to sleep. That's really about it, that's all there is to my life. I don't have kids, I don't have anything that sets me apart from any other unmarried, childless corporate drone out there, who slaves away for 8 hours a day to make a paycheck, then goes home and tries to forget about it. (And spends money.)
Several of my kick-ass friends replied to that post, and...well, they just reminded me that I have some really kick-ass friends.
The same thing happened this weekend, when I gave a similar reason about why I don't post--who wants to read about my boring life, anyway?
As before, I was humbled by the answer, and reminded that I still have kick-ass friends. And a kick-ass *new* friend, with whom I share a surprising number of interests (and by the way, since I figure you'll be reading, want to borrow the latest Dean Koontz book? I just got it back from someone else I lent it out to, and hey, Matt has a couple of my other ones), and with whom I am *certain* I will get up to a lot of mischief and fun with. I'm really looking forward to seeing what happens next.
But still, new friends aside, there's a big disconnect between my head and my fingers lately.
Part of it is the wacky work schedule and the general issues that I have with work, not to mention the fact that between stupid work schedule making me get up at 3:45am and class, I am simply exhausted and fuzz-brained.
Part of it is, strangely, MUSH related--I hate having conflicts with friends over stuff. I hate being made to feel second class and second best, even if it's accidental on their part (and believe me, accident or no, something that happened a few days ago really did make me feel like complete and utter shit--I'm still stinging over it). I hate that I feel like I have to limit my enjoyment of my character and roleplay with people that I enjoy roleplaying with because of things. (How's that for vague?)
Part of it is just feeling blah in general...but I'm sure that feeds back into the two comments above.
Sometimes, that disconnect is overwhelming, and I don't know how to deal with it. I should be happy. I *am* happy. I have a ton of reasons to be happy, and yet sometimes, it's hard to stay that way.
Disconnect.
Something.
But I'm still here. I'll even try to post more often, but it might not be anything more than a lot of music and book posts. No sports, damn the NHL and NHLPA anyway, damn them straight to hell! :)
Maybe it shouldn't be disconnect. Maybe it should be the goal, the *re*connect.
Posted by Liz at February 24, 2005 06:32 AM