I've had issues with my weight for as long as I can remember, but it hasn't been my *whole* life. No, there was a year or two there as a toddler when I suppose it wasn't a problem. Suffice it to say that my weight has always been a sensitive issue with me.
It made me the subject of many jokes in elementary/junior high ("sorry bubblebutt, I mean, girl, I mean, bubblebutt girl"), and even in high school to some extent, even if, when I look back on those pictures taken during those years now I always think about how thin I look.
I haven't done anything about it, really--I always start thinking I should, and even start *planning* to do something, and I get all motivated to DO that something, but there is always something that stops me. It's always *me*, always something I think or react to, but the end result is the same--I never do shit. I start it, do stuff once or twice, and that's all. Some of it's laziness, some of it's external, but there's always something.
I keep hearing about all this size-positive stuff, and how we are more inclined to change our bodies if we first love and understand them as they are. I say: what the fuck ever. The things that always have me changing my mind or losing my motivation are usually throw-away comments by people, things they never think about after they've said, but always just seem to echo in *my* head.
Today, I had one such moment.
We were at REI, had only gone to get another set of knee pads for me (bigger, go figure), and another pair of gloves for him. I hate REI most of the time anyway--it's all these athletic, outdoorsy types who look at me, the fat woman, as if I'm some kind of alien trespassing on hallowed ground. You can almost see the thought as it goes through their minds: "oh my god, what is SHE doing in here?" They all look at me, and look away quickly, thinking that it doesn't show on their faces if they're quick to look aawy, but...it shows.
So, when this two-item trip turns into 'oh, I want to look at a few other things,' I can't help but cringe. We head over to the sleeping bags, where Brett is looking at a new mummy-type bag he wants. After he's done looking, as we start to move away, we see a conventional type of bag on the 'try before you buy' table. Brett mentions that he thinks he wants to get me something like this "because..........................you know." I look at him, and the silence stretches for a moment before I finally nod. "I know," I said, knowing ALL too well. "I just think," he continues, "that these will be better. I think you'll be uncomfortable in a mummy bag..........because of the way it tapers."
I say nothing, because to say what I'm really thinking and feeling would be to cause myself to burst into tears in the middle of the store. We leave, and hours later, that scene is still in my mind.
And so are the words I wanted to say. "Look, just SAY it, okay? Say I'm too fucking fat to want to be in a mummy bag and have done, jesus christ. The awkward pauses and the 'you knows' say what you really mean all too well, so why don't you just SAY IT. Maybe it'll make you feel better."
It's this sort of thing that makes me lose that motivation that I sometimes manage to get. It's a catch-22, you know. I look at myself in the mirror at work, or catch a glimpse of the shadow of my ass in the bathroom in the morning, and I always think that today, this week, this month, this YEAR will be different. Today I'll ignore the sugar cravings, and I'll get up off my ass and actually go to the gym and walk on the treadmill, or take a walk outside, or start lifting weights...or start skating. Something, anything to change this body image that I am so unhappy with.
Yes, I know the health issues. Yes, I know the self-esteem issues, because I've dealt with that shit all my life. But tell me something...how do you keep that motivation, when every time you look at yourself in the mirror, or every time someone makes what they think is going to be a throw-away comment, or every time something *else* like that happens...how do you keep that motivation when there are all these things going on around you that make you feel as if it's just not worth bothering anyway?
That's always what happens to me, and like I said, it's all on me. I know the comments are throwaway, I know that my reaction to other people's thoughts, or images on TV, or whatever, I know that those are my own problems to deal with.
I just wish I could get myself over that hump.
Posted by Liz at May 24, 2003 10:57 PM