Fifty Ways To Taunt a Bronzer

Kassima: "Y'know, those bronzers who go on and on about how bloody huge their lifemates are and how that makes them more impressive... do you ever get the suspicion that they're trying to compensate for something?"

Note: I've taken some liberties with meter on this one; I wanted to take a leaf from the book of the brilliant Kevin Dorner (he who wrote 'Fifty Ways To Kill Your Kangaxx') and make most of the choral stanzas different rather than repeating the same one over and over as the original does, but that meant I ran out of one-syllable names pretty quickly. Hopefully it's still singable regardless! Credit and apologies go to Paul Simon, on whose 'Fifty Ways To Leave Your Lover' this is based, and also to all the unsuspecting Telgar riders mentioned herein.

Fifty Ways To Taunt a Bronzer

"The problem is all inside their heads," she said to me;
"Impression swells their egos almost immediately.
I'd like to help you see how funny that can be:
There must be fifty ways to taunt a bronzer."

She said, "Oh, sure, such acts could be considered rude,
But what else can you do when they're laughing and being bloody crude?
Would you just not comment when they streak through in the nude?
There must be fifty ways to taunt a bronzer.
Fifty ways to taunt a bronzer."

"Just heckle his size, Ais; have a cleaver in hand, Flan;
No need to be wary, Tery; just listen to me.
Make the men pay, May--shells, make it an art, Mart!
Just give one the knee, Ryi, and watch them all flee.

Feel free to get messy, Alessi; show 'em what they don't have, Cav;
Kick him where he sits, Schmitt; just listen to me.
Be shameless and sassy, Kassi; never let him win, Kin!
Just give one the knee, Ryi, and watch them all flee."

She said, "Whenever you are feeling rage or pain,
I just know this is the perfect thing to make you smile again."
I said, "I appreciate that--so will you please explain
About the fifty ways?"

She said, "You see this bronzer here?  He's not too bright,
And I believe, if you watch me, you'll begin to see the light."
And as she teased him, I fast realized she probably was right:
There must be fifty ways to taunt a bronzer.
Fifty ways to taunt a bronzer.

Liken him to a rash, Yash; make a quick verbal sally, Tali;
Get under his skin, Brynn; just listen to me.
Give him the razz, Jaz; poke him in the belly, Meli!
Just give one the knee, Ryi, and watch them all flee.

Just heckle his size, Ais; have a cleaver in hand, Flan;
No need to be wary, Tery; just listen to me.
Make the men pay, May--shells, make it an art, Mart!
Then give one the knee, Ryi, and watch them all flee!

			    ---Written by Kassima

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